I am heartbroken.
A couple weeks ago I found myself telling Gracie that I was purely and utterly just heartbroken. At the age of 23, I wrote down this gut wrenching feeling. A feeling/ emotion I have never felt before. But with time I sat in it, reflecting on what it means and why this feeling is so powerful and moving. It is because there are so many memories that come with it. I couldn’t help but feel thankful.
Love. I love love. I am a hopeless romantic. I want my life and relationships to be exactly what you see in happy ending movies. And that is my standard. I want nothing less than butterflies, corny little dates, love notes, just sprinkles of love everywhere you can find it. And it doesn’t need to be a lover, it be someone you utterly enjoy being around, a best friend, a mentor, etc. because we should be loving our people hard. Because what are the chances that we are alive at the same time on this Earth.
“Odds of being alive: The odds of being alive are 1 in 102,685,000. This is because it required all of your ancestors to survive and reproduce without interruption for 4 billion years, and for your parents to meet and reproduce to create your genes.” – Google
Now take that, and do something with it because not only are you just alive but we have the privilege of being alive at the same time of all of our loved ones.
But why am I heartbroken?
Because to every start there is an end and I hate endings.
I have the privilege to be shown what true love is on a daily basis. This example comes from my Grandma and Grandpa, my Gran and Papa. They both love me and my siblings more than anything in this world. They give me the feeling of unconditional love.
To give a little background, my Grandma and Grandpa met way back in the day as teenagers. My Papa likes to say, she was the first woman he ever laid eyes on and fell in love with her instantly. They come from a small town, Danville, KY. My Papa, was known as Darin’ D from Danville, because you could say he was a crazy man. And little miss Gran (Dixie), was this good girl, who never got into any trouble. Of course they ended up falling in love.
My Papa, would always have Gran home by her curfew and then go back out and do something stupid to get his ass whooped. But even being the crazy man he was, my great grandma (Gran’s mom) adored him, and he loved her. I believe she showed him unconditional love because of how well he treated my Gran. They ended up getting married in 1966 and ever since I have been born they have always been my two constants in my life. I firmly believe it is because we value and look for the same things in this life. We know what we want to care about with our little time on this Earth and I believe that is what makes us so close. I have so much to thank them for and I know I will never even come close to putting in words what they mean to me.
They are just meant to be together. But heartbroken to me means my Papa gets diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. To see the one relationship you look up to go through so much heartache and pain, it breaks you.
Now, Alzheimer’s is the weirdest disease I have been around so far in my life. My Papa may forget his favorite place to eat is Chipotle, but he will always remember falling in love with my Gran and every detail in between. It makes me feel good he still has those memories.
What kills me, is to see how heartbroken my Grandma is. When a disease is taking the one you love most at a pace that no one can stop. She is the most patient and loving person. She gives me strength to keep going day in and day out, to love hard, and to never give up on the people you love.
I have always been a writer, a little bit of a secret, and I am starting to wonder why I kept it a secret from people. I write to say how I am feeling, an experience I don’t want to forget, and what people mean to me, honestly so many reasons. It truly balances my life out. I began writing from a young age and that was just sending letters to my Great Grandma (Muh), when she passed I feel like I lost the love of writing because I loved writing to her.
I have learned over the years that writing and expressing myself just makes this life a little bit easier. I hope you can find what makes your life a little bit easier. I hope you find love and get the chance to feel heartbroken because it allows you to put in perspective what love really means to you.
Love to me means there is no end. It is unconditional. Please love hard. Be who you are meant to be and enhance the human experience. Being intentional is key.
With so much love,
Emi Sue
If you are feeling up to it, comment when you have felt heartbroken, loved, or what you wish for.
Leave a Reply