Welcome. It is getting chilly out nowadays, which I know means the good ole seasonal depression is about to roll in. All of us better be taking a nice Vitamin D pill to keep up. But every year during this time I find myself reflecting on my life, what it has taken for me to get where I am today, where I want to be, and who I am as a person. I try to take my time and be intentional about slowing down.
This has been on my heart recently because partly I feel so lost.
I am experiencing a time in my life where I don’t know what’s next. I don’t know what I want to do. And reality does a really good job at slapping you in the face if you are a dreamer. I have tried writing this multiple times and to be frank I am struggling with it because I am sugar coating it, so I am not sugar coating it anymore. Life is not all sunshine and rainbows. Figuring out who you are and who you want to be is also HARD.
I have such a love hate relationship with social media. Because I love creatives and I love what people put out there for us consumers to enjoy. But at the same time we love it so much because it is not reality. And I will be the first to tell you, that life in the real world fucking sucks. Growing up sucks. Becoming responsible sucks. Growing apart with loved ones suck. And yes, I know there is still so much good around me but it is hard to see it when the change at this age is coming at us so fast and nothing is in our control. So I am allowed to talk my shit. It is okay if you aren’t where you thought you would be by now. It is okay if your mental health is a work in progress. It is okay if you are on your own path that looks different than everyone else’s. It is okay to rest. This is where we all have to trust in the process of becoming.
I am 23 years old and honestly my birthday is creeping up on me very fast. February 16th, if you want to write it down. But I feel like there are so many people around me that look like they have all their shit together. Here I am, where I still just want to be a barista in the morning, save my money to go on all the trips I want to, ride my bike around, and shoot off bottle rockets. But in this society we live in I feel like it is so normalized that you “have to” say goodbye to that part of you, to save for your FIRST house (like this is crazy to me, I can’t get started on this), climb the corporate ladder and be working basically every time you get a phone call.
I cannot be the only person feeling this way. And feeling like there is so much more out there for us but we are doing what we are “supposed to”. This is me popping off again, but WE COULD LITERALLY DIE TOMORROW. If you do not love what your life looks like, CHANGE IT. You deserve to romanticize your life like it is your favorite movie.
I used to live right by Northern Kentucky University’s campus at a place we liked to call “The Brothel”, solely because four women lived there and we weren’t related and in Highland Heights that is against the law. I love you girls, if you guys are reading this, living with you all was the highlight of my college years. Whenever one of us would get into a funk we would try to do affirmations. It was so refreshing.
Before writing this I looked back at my old journal from when it was around the time we were focusing on affirmations. I found:
“I hope you don’t long for the things you’ve outgrown just because they are familiar. The world is so wide and there’s so much more out there for you – people, places, and experiences. Do not hold yourself back from what could be the best chapter yet.” (I def didn’t write this, but I do not know the author)
As I am going through this crisis I am learning so much about myself, I am seeing a side of me I never have before. Now I wish I could sit here and write that it gets better. But I don’t know. The person who I used to be, was hopeful, daring, fearless, and outgoing. Going through this crisis, I am now, cautious, sleepy, and scared of the future. Thinking that every decision I make is somehow going to make or break me.
What I do know, is that I know myself. I am driven and passionate and I definitely won’t settle for something if it is not fulfilling me.
As I am feeling overwhelmed, I find myself forgetting that this is my life and I am in control. This too shall pass but while I am here I have been sitting in it and it has been eye opening to me. I am holding onto the fact that this day in my life will never come again. What an opportunity that is to me. So as these past couple weeks or months have been challenging, I am grateful for my challenges because in the end this will be all worth it. As life is good and bad, everything will pass, not just the bad, the good as well, so cherish these moments because we will never get them again. Embrace it all- the highs and lows, the small moments and the big moments- because every step is leading you to something greater.
Live as if you are going to live forever. Because you are. What a joy it is to have it all.
So much love.
Emi Sue Taylor
Leave a comment: How have you changed in the last year?
Miss Libby I love you! Thanks for being one of my biggest supporters, now get back to work lady!
Leave a Reply